AGING-HUMOR

IN THE DARK, WE ARE ALL NINETEEN!

BY Kerrie O'Hearn Marquart

All rights reserved

2008-2009

   Aging is nature's little joke and at my age, she must be hysterical!  However, I have learned some little tricks that I would like to share with you.  Of course we are told to Eat Healthy and I do.  But, I snack with gusto, feeling that every carrot or cellery stick I eat should then be rewarded with ice cream or a chocolate bar.

   Our appearance matters a lot to most of us at any age.  We can buy night creams, age defying toners, moisturizer, mud packs, fruit masks and the home version of a chemical peel.  However, washing the face with a gentle soap and following up with good ol' Pond's Cold Cream will probably give you the same results in the long run.

    As we age, anything that CAN sag, WILL sag.  We have gravity to thank for this and short of getting out the staple gun, we cannot escape nature's aging process.  So if you wake one morning and your breasts have slipped below your belt line, don't fret.  Just buy a good underwire bra with adjustable straps and hoist those straps right up under your chin!  This will give you great cleavage that can double as a jar opener.

   And how about that cellulite?  For a short term cure, just wear support hose 24/7.  Your legs will feel and look 20 again and tanned to boot!  My personal loathing of aging skin is for what I refer to as "turkey or turtle neck."  What once was a supple, beautifully toned neck area has rapidly turned into rings and rings of sagging, crepey skin necklaces.  But wait!  I have the solution, just take a permanent marker in the color of your choice, and add dots along those wrinkles.  This will appear that you have just gotten one of those trendy Henna tattoos or the invisible fish line necklaces with beads.

    For those ugly, fine lip lines, I find the following to be helpful:  Mix a small amount of dry wall joint compound with your foundation.  Use a popsicle stick to fill in the lines, carefully smoothing out to the corners of your mouth. Let dry and walah!  You cannot smile but your lips look terrific!

     I find aging hair to be most uncooperative.  Every day, a few of my hairs jump to their death to get away from the glare of my scalp.  I color the gray but it never comes out the same color twice.  The blow dryer sends the few remaining strands flying into the wind.  There are some advantages to thinning hair, of course.  I only need ONE curler for the whole crown!  It dries rapidly and I never need to trim as it just breaks off.  That's really what that "Red Hat Society" is all about.  They are hiding their lack of hair!

    Aside from the obvious, visible signs of aging, there are still more obstacles to overcome in our "Golden Years."  Our hearing goes and we find all of our conversations begin and end with, "huh?", Huh?."  Now that really is small talk!  Our aging eyes make us look like we are at a myopic sufferers convention.  We squint at medicine bottles, restaurant menu's and the figures in our checkbooks.  We now need 100 watt bulbs for our night lights.  (Never place this wattage near mirrors as the shock of seeing yourself could be fatal). We tend to trip frequently so bend those little wrinkled knees, pick those feet up high, you can do it!

       Lastly, and I know you are thinking about time, but surely not the least concern is our aging love life.  It should not become stagnant or nil.  Frequency may dwindle but desire and passion should not.  So spiffy up, shower and throw on the perfume, ladies.  Splash on some alluring cologne, Men!  But remember to turn out the lights completely, for we are all nineteen in the dark.....

I am hoping you enjoyed my sense of humor and no one is offended.

Please do not copy this original post without permission.  Thank you.

Property of Kerrie O'Hearn Marquart

September 14, 2009